Tuesday, October 10 9:32 PM
(On the weekends, we try to get our share of excitement and of fresh air. Trying to forget: who we're gonna be, when the alarm rings on monday morning.)
would it be considered suicide if i were to walk in a carpark and let a car hit me instead of avoiding it when it comes my way. would i still be able to go to heaven then. i didn't kill myself, the car did. i just didn't walk fast enough. i could just picture myself being run down by a car because i was listening to music and didn't hear it approaching. i think the more uninteresting my life gets, the more morbid my thoughts become.
i'm worried for myself. i can't listen in class anymore. i can't do work anymore. i don't even feel like sleeping at night. well here's the best part, it's not like i'm working my ass off or anything. i'm just more or less detaching myself from life.
i had quite a nice talk with eliza today, which also means i totally killed the lit period which was supposed to help me pull up my f-ing lit grade. but anyway, thank you friend. sincere concern, and patience are just what i need. it's amazing how those close to you can actually notice the heavy smile that you are trying to carry.
i don't care if i eat a billion slices of pizza or finish tubs and tubs of ice cream, they comfort me. i'd rather die a fat ass bitch who spent her life enjoying food than someone who married salad.
my mum was right, i do play the piano when i'm sad.
you had your time, but it won't stay.